Family Day - May 15
May 15th is dedicated as International Day of Families. This has come to be observed by the UN since 1993 underscoring the importance the world nations attach to this institution. Over the years, perhaps, the definition of family has changed from that of being the basic human community evolving from the union of a man and a woman, and consisting of their children, if any - whether single or plural men or women, can constitute a family, whether other animals or any other being can be family etc. are now being debated. I would rather go by the conventional understanding, having no objection towards expanding it to include others. It is observed that for many elders living alone their dog or cat is becoming their family.
I do not know if it was coincidental - Catholic Church declared 1994 as the international year of families, and St. John Paul II (1994) issued an encyclical by the name: A Letter to the Families, which provides a modern and biblical catholic narrative on the families. It powerfully empahsises humans as the way for the mission of the Church, with the conviction that humans are entrusted to the Church, which shares in their joys and hopes, sorrows and anxieties in their daily pilgrimage (Gratissimam Sane, 1)*.
My Happy Family Days
I recall the days when I felt very passionate and good about 'my family'. I loved my mother, my grandmother, to some extent my father (whom, now I love more, though all the three have disappeared from the planet), my sisters and my brothers. I lived with my family for almost full 15 years from my birth, barring a few days of camping, and a few days with other relatives. I enjoyed a great amount of freedom, especially in my high school years and had grown to become rather independent. But I was happy with my family, in spite of the usual sibling fights one would have. But then, after completing the tenth grade, I took the path to Christian priestly life in the sannyaasa tradition with the Carmelites of Mary Immaculate. The initial years of training (generally termed formation) with focus on detachment from the world and one's own family, and the sincerity with which I took to them, made me almost totally detached from my family of origin, the Payyappilly-Palakkappilly family of Perumanur, Kochi!
Three years of being away from the family, from the mother tongue, with a bare minimum of correspondence, and thereafter just about a month with the family, again to continue with a more rigorous training of 2 years of seclusion, made almost totally a non-family man, and I began to be more comfortable in the religious house (ashram) than in my own family. I no longer enjoyed being with my family or any family or even anyone for longer than 10 minutes to half an hour. Not because I had grown attached to God or Jesus or had become perfect in the religious consecrated life, but because I had found my comfort zone in that system! And I almost continue to be so, while I make effort to be deeper in my commitment - at my own level, though ever far from the ideal.
My commitments and attachments are now more of duty-boundedness - whether to the family of origin - where I try to oblige and be available, if my presence is desired, trying not to impose myself on them, and so too with the CMIs.
Cosmic Family and the Common Home
Perhaps, over the years, I have become more fascinated by the ancient Indian ideal of 'vasudhaiva kutumbakam' found in some of the wisdom sayings (subhaashitaani). The same, the government of India, of late, have adopted with great zest, all the same contradicting itself by alienating several thousands, perhaps millions of its own citizens often casually and at times, ruthlessly, from their rights to freedom and dignity. To me, the ideal has become inspirational:
udaara caritaanaam tu vashudhaiva kutumbakam!
The considerations like 'mine' 'yours' etc are that of small minds, but for the large-hearted (the generous or broadminded) the earth itself is the family!
I have tried to consciously cultivate this family by trying to connect with people beyond the borders, especially those who are in evident struggle, and also with other beings - moving and not moving, and trying to respect them, appreciate them and accept them. Though I accept and realise the contradiction, that the inspiration has not stopped me from 'assimilating' them - life forms - vegetarian and otherwise, and even relishing them beyond the need for survival. I would have loved to grow to the stature of St Francis, but I am not that; rather, I am cold-bloodedly a cosmic family member, which I consider a matter-of-fact.
In spite of having done that, and very consciously adhering to that, I have been accused of nepotism, when two of my family (relations) got into the very attractive faculty positions where I was the head of the institution. I leave it at that, and no longer try to proffer an explanation for that, and people are generally happy to go by the former logic than any other.
With these introspective reflections, some more thought on the family:
Family: Enslaving or Liberating?
Why a family? Many thinking women, who come under the category of 'feminists' (I used to consider myself a feminist, as someone who consciously tried to see things from a woman-perspective as well; now, I prefer to be a humanist, which I think includes also women), most likely from their experience, have denounced the institution of family as enslaving. I don't blame them. There are several such instances where family had become for women (and sometimes for men too), a very binding and enslaving experience. The very natural animal drive to perpetuate one's tribe accompanied by the pleasure element in the process has been deified and divinized by the humanly unique institution of marriage - in the course of the evolution of human civilization taking the forms of a contract ensuring safety and security, or ennobling it as divinely ordained, and leading to self-actualization. However, the very same institution has been found to be failing in its purpose by denying security and safety and instead perpetuating exploitation and subjugation, and dehumanizing the parties, either as the victim or as the perpetrator.
It is worth pondering and investigating, what the general trend is, whether in general people are liberated or enslaved by the bond. When I sit in the confessional, generally, I get the impression that at least from a woman's perspective it has been made to be enslaving. However, the Christian sacramental vision is to make it a liberating and Christifying experience, after its 'communitarian faith tenet' of the Trinitarian Godhead, fulfilling the Jesus vision: 'that they be one, as we are one' (Jn 17:21). Trinitarian faith is not a logical treatise, but a reflective realisation in the light of Jesus' utterances believed to be about the 3 distinct entities - himself (referred to as Son), his Father and his Spirit. Christians have come to believe in one God in which these three distinct 'persons' are united as one, and the logic for such unbreakable unity is the constant communication or unbarred sharing of their totality among themselves. This is more of inspiration than logical understanding, though some such (to my mind, stupid) efforts have been made by humans to make it appear logical, by constructing and defining concepts such as persons, substance etc. The inspirations are: 1. God blesses humans to be united inseparably - body, mind and spirit - to perpetuate humanity, through the fusion of man and woman. 2. This is made to be divine when this is characterized by unbarred total sharing of one's self with the partner as it happens in the case of the One God who is also a family, a community 3. It is God's abiding presence - visible through the sacrament of the union - that makes it fulfilling and liberating, as God is full and free, so too the partners in this imitation of God, become free and fulfilled 4. This happens through the conscious and deliberate choices the partners make after the mind of Christ (Phil 2:1-11), blessed by the remembrance of God's presence in this union, which make this a transcendental experience, while still being very much earthly!
This total sharing in practical life involves submission and surrender of one's will. Hence, St. Paul in explaining the mystery of marriage begins his instructions to (Christian) families with the need for mutual surrender (Eph. 5:21). This is not to be a slavish surrender, but a partnership based on five pillars of non-violent communication as suggested by my author friend and pacifist Vedhabhyas Kundu: respect, understanding, acceptance, appreciation and compassion, which he sees as the principles that would make a family sustain.
Very often the partners become blind to the purpose of marriage, and forget the abiding presence and become led by the natural animal passions of self-sustenance, security which at the human-animal level includes 'ego' as well. If that is to be replaced by these five pillars, there is always a possibility of well-being and self-actualisation in the relationship.
This requires preparation which is often lacking. And resources such as the families of their origin, religion etc. can be of great help.
As I thus philosophise, I perceive that I feel happy having not chosen the personal family track. Though escaping the risks of being in a conventional family relationship had never occurred to me, looking back and listening to people, I feel relieved that I had not taken that more travelled track! That was a blessing for me, to be a blessing for several families - though I am not sure whether I have been that! But I admire those millions who have managed to take that track and have built solid families, enriching several million lives to be productive and creative, especially my sisters and brothers, apparently leading healthy family lives, many of whose foundation of family, i.e., marriage ceremony, I had the good fortune to bless.
Green Families & Families for Climate Change
This year, UN has proposed as the theme for the day, 'Families and Climate Change'. This is really a meaningful way to connect a very significant role families can play in this phenomenon affecting everyone, especially through informed choices they make in consumption, and small initiatives in production (family farming). If every family decides to go on uncooked food one day a week, or one meal a week, or decide to reduce 10% of their local travel on foot or bicycle (not discounting the fact that almost 50% of the word population still don't own a car) the impact on energy front and emission could be tremendous. I feel, every family, when it is being established should also decide to be a green and sustainable family - in itself, i.e., fresh and lasting, and in its relationship with the planet. Families are to be inspired to be 'zero waste, zero carbon' families. Whenever I get an opportunity at a wedding, I invariably remind the new family of the Christian challenge to be a green family on our 'Common Home'.
Tailpiece This family day, I am with the family of my former student, Alan. Eight years ago, I had the opportunity to bind them together as a minister of the Church, and today, I am in Doha with them on their anniversary. We celebrate at Nehdi Mandi, Wakra, and I remind them that it happens to be also the international day of families, and also that I had remembered them at the Eucharistic Table. Though far from being a green family, they are happy with their mutual gift to the world - Eva! And may they remain so for the rest of their years, pray, long years!
