Retirement - Blues and Greens

Post Retirement Blues 

Ready for Them

From a very active and engaging life (not even time for regular meals or games – very dear to my heart) to a life of no specific responsibilities (read, task involving others) – that is a drastic change, could be challenging as well. I was kind of prepared for that, or else it would have been a major set back. In spite of that there is a feel of ‘being of no use – unwanted’ and repeated self-suggestion regarding one’s call and identity comes handy. 

Your call and business is ‘to follow Christ’ (Jn 21:  ) and proclaim the good news (Lk ).  As a normal human being, you feel embarrassed when the question is asked, ‘what is your next assignment, what is your post?’, when there is hardly anything clear about it. It can easily lead one to despondency and self-doubt, unless you are prepared for that. I can also easily get into a complaining and victim mode – which I did at times – of being neglected/sidelined or under/unutilised. 

But this is also a predicament and challenge – and we realise that by our choice we have made ourselves vulnerable and powerless. People much younger to you in age and experience make decisions regarding our destiny, and we are bound to willingly give into that.  Though it is indeed tough, if the call is taken seriously as to that of ‘following Christ’ (imitation of Christ) and of ‘proclaiming the good news’, this is possible, irrespective of the situation only that one has to gear up to that and make oneself prepared for that every day.

Thus, in most of the situations of the embarrassment caused by the question of your next assignment, your post, are you being demoted, what are you going to do next etc. I countered with a genuine answer, though not a happy one from my end: of continuing to live my religious-priestly life – of prayer, recollection and farming (manual labour).

Strategies of Coping

I had thought out this, and had tried to preclude such embarrassment by voluntarily opting for something which was thought to be challenging – to go to an underdeveloped (?) region for pastoral ministry or evangelization.  I chose to go to Ecuador, where, it is being told that such services are required. But if something else was warranted from the part of the province, I expressed my willingness to go with that.  I asked for a kind of break for a few months so as to go around India and see the country for myself. The little money that trickled in from various sources other than the regular salary, or some token income from pastoral ministry – training or talks etc. and some amount which was received as annual festival allowance put together was thought sufficient to meet the possible expenditure, without the house or province having to pay anything extra.

But I expressed willingness to stop the trip and come back, anytime, if my presence was wanted for any of the said ministries. Alas… my fond hope of being asked to stop and come back was in vain… Nobody cared a hoot if I came back or not and I had to kind of persuade the provincial to follow it up with their concerned contacts as to whether my presence was required or else let me free to be where I was wanted (e.g., a couple of HEIs run by the CMIs in North India or in the social service forum of the North Eastern dioceses).  The authorities were still bidding time, and didn’t find anything amiss in my being just free to do anything! Having no such surety as to when and where I should be going I felt like an unwanted person hanging around.  Finally, after much dilly-dallying, I was asked to submit my papers and passport copy for processing for an appointment as the director or principal of a school.  Which I did in a matter of a day… Another month, and no response.  I said to the province that if this was not their need, let me have my choices.  He got back to them, and came back with another set of instructions to contact some other agent for further processing. Then, after another week or so, they come back with the instruction to get a bona fide certificate from my university.  Again, this was accomplished in another week.  As things were thus moving at a snail’s pace, I requested the provincial to let me go to the NEDSSS to see if I could be of some use there or to learn something new from there, which he agreed to.

Again here, I was prepared for the situation that I might be found to be of no real use, and in which case, I could just return.  And for the initial week, it was just like that. Though I was given an office space, I hardly found any work as such.  Then I started thinking of some projects and tried to sound the same to the director. When a high-level health supervisors’ training (summit) was being held, I was added to be the coordinator, which I took up, though with great hesitation.  In that short span, not even a day, I could contribute towards making the 3-day event more meaningful and better coordinated. Since I was counted as the resource person, I was about to be given my travelling expenditure.  I refused and then suggested, the money be given and accepted back as my contribution.  This was well received by the director, as the forum was struggling with no great reserves to meet its various contingencies.

The month-long stay was good – a new place, culture, people, relations.  It was fun.  I had got a hang of the organisation and the project.  It is a development (leaning more towards welfare) organisation functioning as an umbrella body for networking, fund raising, training, monitoring and evaluation. The spirit was low – like the passively flowing Brahmaputra which was visible from the institution.  I had no occasion to watch it during its period of turbulence.

Soon after my quitting, before a year, Fr Sebastian also bade good bye – which he was planning even otherwise, and having completed 75 years plus with meritorious service in various sectors.  In spite of the apparent rough and tough defence, he was a kind man and we got along rather well.